How to overcome a difficult breakup?

What is a breakup?
You stayed a long time with someone, you loved yourself so much that it was unthinkable to live one without the other. Whenever you were away for more than a week, you had only one desire: see each other again! You had finally found a person who made your heart beat and who had erased everyone you had been with before. You even wondered how you could be with these people.

Yes, love is that!

And when we are in love we see life in pink, self-confidence is boosted and the problems of everyday life fade. You enjoy the small pleasures that life offers you simply because you are with the loved one.

Then, from one day to the next, without expecting it, everything stops! You cry like never, tears come out alone, you can not control anything. You feel pain right into your heart. It's like tearing half of your heart out and leaving the other part just to remember your sadness. This pain is much the same as when you are in love but a hundred times bigger and with opposite feelings.

It's as if the world is crumbling around you and you can not do anything about it ... The breakup has come ...

But, wait...: you can act because everything comes from you and from your internal state. An internal state that has been wrought for years and years and that you perceive in one go after a situation that can be likened to a trigger.

Before understanding how to overcome a difficult love break, we must first understand the causes ...

Understand the origins of a breakup
So why ? Why some people are shot after a breakup while other people live very well! You have obviously seen this example around you: a person separates from his half, is sad for a few weeks and then resumes the course of his life normally. Conversely, others will gain weight or lose weight, will start smoking again, enter a depression, etc.

All of these mechanisms are self-destructing mechanisms that result from the internal state in which you find yourself. You have the impression that all the misery of the world falls on you, that you can not do anything about it and you enter a period (more or less serious) of self-destruction. Taking a few pounds is not the end of the world while a depressed state can have far more important consequences.

A love story is also a story of sharing, abandoning oneself (more or less according to people) and trusting each other. Both partners build on each other and thrive together. Love can be seen as a dangerous situation because the perception you have of life no longer depends only on you but a duet. You learn to make concessions to strengthen the balance of your relationship. In the worst cases, you may end up making efforts that are not in line with your personality just to please the other. It is from that moment that everything can go wrong. From the moment you listen to each other before you listen to yourself.

A functioning couple can be defined as a balance between two beings in which the leader changes continuously. In a relationship of two people, whether in love or not, there is always a leader. For this relationship to work, the leader does not always have to be the same. The two people pull themselves together and thrive together respecting their personalities and the internal image they have of themselves. It is a situation of complementarity and continuous improvement.

Conversely, in a couple that does not work: there is usually only one leader. Sometimes a relationship starts very well, each one pulls up, then, at one point, one of the partners takes over the other and does not leave this position. The person who becomes a leader is fully fulfilled and full of self-confidence while the other begins to make efforts that no longer respect his or her inner personality.

After a while, the person who "directs" the couple will no longer see in their partner the person they loved at the beginning and the break will occur.

What will be the reaction of the other person? Simply misunderstanding!

"I do not understand, I made a lot of effort, I only wanted her happiness, I even did that and that and I stopped doing this, so why ?! It's unfair, I'm out of luck !! "

And yet it was precisely because of the efforts that were the opposite of his deep personality that his partner decided to interrupt the relationship. And it was not voluntary on his part because he did not realize what he was doing. When someone is the leader of a couple for too long, he takes over and tries to change the person. He does not realize that he is changing aspects that he likes unconsciously in the person.

What you need to understand is that the process I describe in this article takes months or even years to develop. It is therefore almost invisible until all these small sown seeds begin to germinate and create problems.

If the problems are not corrected at their sources, the seeds will continue to germinate ...

Change yourself before changing others
Here's a tip that will serve you for all your life:

Never try to change or help a person who has not asked you for it yourself, you will not succeed! If you think you can help a person who has not asked you yet, just say, "If you need help, you know I'm here." And that's all. Apply this in all areas of your life.

On the other hand, if your desire to change a person is stronger than anything, start by asking yourself questions and introspecting yourself! Otherwise it will be the leader of the couple that will change the other and, if this change is not consistent with your deep beliefs, your couple will destroy in the long run.

Why do you think every second marriage fails? And again this statistic only takes into account divorces. It does not take into account people who live together because they do not have the courage to separate or because they think they can not (financial problems, children, work, etc.) and people in concubinage.

The beginning of this article has allowed me to present the causes of a breakup and the psychological scheme brings him there. Once again, this presentation is my own and results from my experiences, my readings and my reflections. If however you share my vision, the rest of this article should interest you even more.

If you feel lost after a breakup and want to regain the upper hand, I will now show you the 5 steps to get there. At the end of this article I present to you the belief that allowed me to radically change my vision of things a few years ago. Since then, this belief is rooted in me and allows me to overcome any breakup in love.

The 5 steps to get back on top after a breakup
Step 1: Letting go
To let go is first and foremost to accept that you can not control everything. As I told you, you will not change others if they do not want to change on their own. For some people, letting go seems almost impossible. These people are represented by two categories (which are also diametrically opposed on the psychological level):

People who have a strong ego: they refuse to lose control and do not understand the reasons why a person can leave them. They are perfect or close to perfection and can not admit the truth!
People who do not trust them: they have the impression that all the misery of the world falls on them and that there is no solution. They focus on the negative and enter into a mechanism of self-destruction more or less important.
Letting go is an indispensable and complicated step.

Here's how to do this in practice:

Sit down and close your eyes;
Breathe deeply and calmly;
Think about the situation you are currently experiencing;
Accept that you can not do anything about it and that you will not change a person if they do not want to change themselves;
If you feel like it, make a good cry to expel all the anger and misunderstanding that you have in you;
Calm down, open your eyes, take a deep breath and try to sketch a small smile.
That's it you let go. To find out if you've done this, make sure you feel like you've shed a weight. Always sad but as if you had become a little lighter.

When this is done go to Step 2: Introspection.

Step 2: Introspection
You will now have to understand what did not work. If your break is due to a major relationship problem, you can learn my method in 3 steps to solve a relationship problem, it may be able to serve you in the future.

If it follows the pattern I presented earlier (a succession of efforts that does not match your personality), take a paper and a pencil and answer these questions:

Why did not I tell my partner that I did not want to do this or that?
Why did I continue to make efforts that did not fit my personality?
Objectively, was I with this person to not be all alone or because I really loved him? (difficult question, you can ask the opinion of your entourage).
What activities did I stop for my couple that I liked? You will be able to take them back when you get better and it will help you find yourself and rebuild.
Am I reproducing a pattern in my family or close circle (parents, siblings, very good friends)? Is my behavior due to a problem of self-confidence that I know but which I refuse to admit? What exactly is this scheme and / or problem?
Take a few hours to do this exercise seriously. It must allow you to understand the origin of the problem that is potentially rooted in you.

Once this problem / scheme is highlighted, the hard part is done! You will now go to the extermination phase!

Step 3: Extermination
Extermination is a phase that can be difficult in its realization. However, it only takes a very short time. The extermination phase consists in eliminating from your perceptions (visual, auditory, kinesthetic, olfactory and taste) everything that makes you think of your ex-partner. In some cases, this is complicated because you have to keep in touch with the person for certain reasons (legal, divorce, children, etc.).

One rule: you must exterminate as many things as possible.

Here are some ideas: phone number, photos, music / food / perfume that make you think about the person, messages, letters, facebook, etc.

If throwing letters or photos is something impossible for you because it represents years of your life, you can enclose them in a cardboard box sealed with tape and entrust it to a relative.

Do not keep this box at home, even in the cellar!

Once the extermination phase is done, you will continue by changing your habits.

Step 4: Changing Habits
Remember, Phase 2 allowed you to highlight a problem or pattern that you were consciously or unconsciously reproducing.

Ask yourself this simple question: what habits of life can I put in place to combat this problem and / or not to reproduce this pattern? Help your loved ones find these habits and help you get started.

Step 5: Start again to live
The previous step allowed you to highlight the new habits that will allow you to fight the problem / schema that you highlighted in step 2. You will now have to take action and put into practice these habits. One piece of advice: go step by step and set up one habit after another.

Here are two tips that have been proven to get off to a good start in this kind of situation:

Start a project that is important to you: take advantage of the time you have to implement a project that is important to you and learn to organize to be successful.
Indulge in one of your passions: ask yourself to surpass yourself and achieve a certain level of practice or know-how in the field you are passionate about.
Do all these steps and you will see that you will get there.

I will now give you the belief that can completely change your perception of things. Read the following, you will not find it anywhere else ...

The belief that can change everything
Here is the belief that allowed me to regain the upper hand when I had to face a difficult breakup. Integrate it into your belief system and make it part of the foundation of your personality, you will see its benefits very quickly.

There she is :

"We often talk about the man or woman of his life. It's completely wrong! There are several of them ! Thousands! "

Visualize a crowded street. Visualize a crowd of people walking, thousands of people shopping and walking. For my part I visualize the Avenue des Champs-Elysees in Paris on a sunny afternoon. It's good you have this image in mind? Now be convinced of one thing: in this unique place, you have dozens of men or women in your life.

We do not usually hear that and yet it's true. If you make the habit of going to meet the people around you you will see that there are a lot of people who correspond to you. On the other hand, it is necessary to make the effort to multiply the meetings! Most people meet their partner in the course of their work or through friends. Open the field of possibilities to the world! Go talk to people in the street. Not necessarily with an idea in mind but just to get to know each other.

You will see that your life will change and your social circles will grow. You, yourself, will change profoundly because the 5 people you will rub the most will not necessarily be the same as today.

I lived it and you will live it too. Just give yourself the means to live that. If you follow what I told you in this article, your breakup will soon be far behind you and will have made you much stronger. It may have been a trigger, which has allowed you to reach out to others, to flourish and perhaps even to start a new project.

This is personal development through action!